--- what is your most painful memory?

 

I once had an older brother who died of an illness at the age of six. For many years, my mother was unable to escape the shadows of this tragedy. She placed his picture in every corner of the house, and spoke often of every little detail of his life. Though I was also her son, I would never be perfect enough. For a long time, I was an ignored replacement. The boy in the picture was timeless and perfect, but I, here in reality, was a disappointment, full of unacceptable shortcomings.

 

Because of this, my relationship with my mother was full of tension and unease. Many years later I realized I was constantly trying to please her, striving to approach her standards and become what she liked. I couldn’t even face the real me. This also affected my attitude towards the people around me. I tried to please them just as I tried to please my mother, seeking out security, love and friendship through pleasing people. This is the most painful part of my memories. It led to depression and a pain that lasted for thirty years.

 


--- If that memory could be transformed into an object ,what would it be ?

 

A pill bottle full of pills.

 
--- What color would you use to describe this memory?

 

White, an extremely desolate white

 

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

我曾经有过一个哥哥,六岁的时候因病去世,我的母亲多年无法走出这道阴影,她把哥哥的照片在家里的每个角落贴得到处都是,她常常谈论他曾经的种种生活细节,而我,虽然也是她的儿子,却永远是个不够完美,根本就长期被忽视的替代品,那个照片中的男孩是永恒的,完美的,而现实中的我,却是令人遗憾,有着无数难以容忍的缺点和不足。

我和母亲的关系因此充满了紧张和不安,很多年以后我才意识到,我一度在不断地试图取悦于她,极力靠近她的标准,变成她喜欢的模样,我甚至不敢正视真实的我,这直接影响了我对周围其他人的态度,我象取悦母亲一样在取悦其他人,企图通过取悦而获得安全感,爱和友谊,这是我记忆中最痛的部分,我为此得了抑郁症,这份痛持续了30年。

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体?

 

一个装满了药片的药瓶子。

 

--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色?

 

白色的,非常苍白的白色。

 

 


 

 

--- what is your most painful memory?


About seven or eight years ago, when I found out that my girlfriend’s former boyfriend was diagnosed with HIV, I went to the hospital to get tested. The test results took several months to come back. Those months were a time of fear and pain.

 

 

 

--- If that memory could be transformed into an object ,what would it be ?

 

A bed

 



--- what color would you use to describe this memory?

 

Green, deep, dark green, the color of olives

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

大约7,8年前,当我发现我那时的女朋友的前男友刚刚被确认得了爱滋病,我去了医院,作爱滋病检测,获得结果需要几个月的时间,等待结果的几个月,是我最恐惧和伤痛的一段记忆。

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体?

 

是一张床。

 

--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色?

 

绿色的,深的,暗的,橄榄绿的颜色。

 


 

 

--- What is your most painful memory?


 

When I was twelve, I was sexually assaulted.

I ran home to tell my mother.

 

I remember she was ironing clothes at the time.

I told her what happened,

including some details I didn’t want to tell,

what that man had told me,

what he had done to me…

 

He was an old friend of my parents.

The whole time I was telling her this,

she never stopped ironing clothes,

and never looked up at me.

At the end, she told me,

coldly: sometimes children misunderstand the actions and words of adults.

When it happened, I didn’t feel like I had been hurt,

but many years later I finally realized that

this was my most painful memory.

 

 

--- If that memory could be transformed into an object ,what would it be ?

 

An iron

 

--- What color would you use to describe this memory?

 

Grey, like the color of dust

 

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

 

我12岁那年,受到性侵犯,我跑去告诉我的母亲,我还记得那时她正在烫衣服,我说了发生的事情,包括一些我不愿意说的细节,那位成年男子对我说了什么,对我作了什么,他是父母多年的好友,我叙述的整个过程,母亲始终没有停下她正在熨烫衣服的手,也没有抬头看过我一眼,她最后也只是很冷静地说:小孩有时会误解成人的行为和言谈。这件事情发生的时候,我并没有觉得对我有多大的伤害,多年之后,我才意识到,这段记忆是我最痛的一段记忆。

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体?

 
熨斗。

 


--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色?

 

灰色的,灰尘那样的灰色。

 

 


 

 

--- What is your most painful memory?


 

Fifteen years ago,

I took my three year old daughter shopping at the mall.

 

I spotted a pink one piece dress, which I had her try on.

It fit her well, and looked really pretty on her.

 

So I went to the register about ten meters away to pay for it. She was in front of the mirror, trying out various poses.

She was only out of my sight for two minutes, and I figured that she was still at the mirror.

But after I paid and came back, she was gone.

She had vanished.

I rushed madly through the mall looking for her. All of the mall employees helped me look for her, but I couldn’t find her.

 

For the first 5 or 6 years, I couldn’t believe it.

I always fantasized that she would suddenly pop out from behind a corner, looking exactly as she did that day.

 


--- If that memory could be transformed into an object ,what would it be ?

 
A small one piece dress with embroidered edges. It’s beautiful.


 

--- What color would you use to describe this memory?

 

Pink, the color of that dress.


 

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

15年前,我带着3岁的女儿去商场购物,我看上了一件粉红色的连衣裙,我让她试穿了,裙子非常合适,她看起来非常可爱漂亮,我于是到10多米之外的收银台付款,她在穿衣镜之前旋转摇摆,扮着各种表情,只有一两分钟的时间她不在我的视野里,我想她一定是就在镜子后面,

等我付完款,回到镜子那儿,我没有看到她,她消失了,我发疯了一样找遍了整个商场,所有商场的工作人员也一起帮我找,我再也没有找到她。

最初的5,6年,我始终不敢相信这个事实,我总是幻想着她会忽然从某个角落跑出来,就象她曾经那样。

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体?

 

是那件小连衣裙,带着花边,美丽极了。

 

 

--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色?

 

粉红色,就是那件连衣裙的颜色。


 

 

 

--- What is your most painful memory?

 

 

My most painful memory is a dream I had. I dreamt that my father died, and in that dream, I was full of grief, and I woke up in pain. My father lived with me at the time, and when I woke up, I did something surprising. I walked to the room where my father was sleeping, quietly bent over, and checked to see if he was breathing. I didn’t calm down until I knew he was breathing normally. I wasn’t happy, just calm. I sat there in his room for about half an hour and then left.

 

--- If that memory could be transformed into an object ,what would it be ?

 

A face.

 

--- What color would you use to describe this memory?

 

 

Blue, like the color of a clear sky.

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

最伤痛的记忆是我作过的一个梦,梦见我父亲去世了,在梦里我非常伤心,心痛极了,我痛苦地醒来,那时我父亲住在和我一起的同一套房子里,我醒来之后,做了一件不可思议的事情,那就是,我走到父亲正在睡觉的房间,坐在他的床头,身体轻轻地探下去,检查他的呼吸,我意识到他很正常地呼吸着,我才平静下来,没有喜悦,只有平静。之后我在他的房间安静地坐了大约30分钟,然后离开。

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体?

是一张脸。

 

--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色?

 

蓝色,象晴朗的天空那样的蓝。

 


 

 

--- What is your most painful memory?

 

My father died in a car crash when I was six.

My mother was a homemaker, and we had always lived off of my father’s income. At the time, I had a four year old sister and a two year old brother.

 

My mother grabbed some luggage and took us to live

at the house of my uncle, my father’s younger brother.

But his wife kicked us out, and we had nowhere to go.

My mother led the three of us as we wandered the streets.

I saw a feather on the street, and I picked it up.

When I did that, my mother ran up to me in a crazed frenzy, snatched the feather out of my hand and threw it on the ground. I cried.
Years later, when I recalled this, I realized that it was a very painful memory.

I will never forget my mother’s face that day, so full of despair.

 

--- If that memory could be transformed into an object ,what would it be ?

 

A feather.

 


--- what color would you use to describe this memory?


Yellow, an old, mournful, deep yellow.

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

 

我六岁的时候,我父亲因为车祸去世,我的母亲是一个家庭主妇,一直是父亲在挣钱养活我们一家人,我那时还有一个4岁的妹妹,2岁的弟弟,母亲简单收拾了一点行李,带着我们仨去投奔父亲的弟弟,父亲的弟媳把我们一家都轰了出来,于是我们无家可归,母亲带着我们三个孩子流落街头,我在路上看见一片羽毛,我立刻把它拾起来,母亲象疯了似的冲到我的跟前,一把抢过那片羽毛,使劲地扔在地上,我那时哭了,多年之后,我重新回忆这段往事,我才意识到,那是一段我非常伤痛的记忆,我忘不了母亲那时地表情,那么绝望的表情。

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体?

 

一片羽毛

 


--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色?

 

黄色的,旧的,有些伤感的,深一点的黄色。

 

 


 

 

 

--- What is your most painful memory?

My first boyfriend left me for another girl.

It was very painful.

I saw them sitting together in the park, and that girl was leaning in close to him.

 

I felt like my heart had shattered.

I returned to my dorm room alone, and stared at a bright light bulb deep into the night.

 

When I finally closed my eyes, I thought I had gone blind.

The next day, my vision had seriously deteriorated.

The eye doctor said he had never seen anything like this in his 20 years of practice.

 

--- If that memory could be transformed into an object ,what would it be ?

 A light bulb.

 

 

--- What color would you use to describe this memory?


Green, a yellowish-green shimmering with yellow sparks.

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

 

我第一个男友,他为了另一个女人离开了我,我非常伤心,我看见他在公园里坐着,那个女孩就挨着他,紧紧地依偎着他,我那时觉得我的心完全碎了。 我独自回到我的宿舍,盯着明晃晃的电灯泡盯了一晚上,直到深夜睡去,我终于闭上眼睛的时候,我觉得我瞎了,第二天,我的视力严重下降,眼科医生说,他20年都没有遇到过我这样病例。

 

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体?

 

灯泡。

 

 

--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色?

 

绿色,闪着刺目的黄光的黄绿色。

 

 


 

 

 

--- What is your most painful memory?

 

During my college internship,

my teacher asked me to assist him in a surgery.

 

At first, the surgery was rather relaxed.

 

My teacher was working with so much ease, and I was full of respect for him.

 

About halfway through the surgery, the patient’s breathing grew short, and we immediately went into rescue mode.

 

I saw the patient’s heart stop, and my hands begin to shake.

 

After what seemed like a century, my teacher dropped his scalpel.

 

A living, breathing life had ended in a blink of the eye.

 

It turned out that there isn’t much distance between life and death.

After that, I decided to change my profession.

 

 

--- If that memory could be transformed into an object ,what would it be ?

 

A scalpel

 

--- What color would you use to describe this memory?

 

Blue

 

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

我大学实习的时候,我的导师让我辅助完成他的一个外科手术,手术的开始,是比较轻松的,我看见导师非常自如地操作,我非常敬佩他,手术进展到大半,病人忽然呼吸急促,我们立刻开始非常紧张的抢救,眼看着病人失去了心跳,我的手开始颤抖,仿佛过了一个世纪那么久,我的导师丢开了他手上的手术刀,一个活生生的生命就这样瞬间结束了,生死之间,居然如此之近,从那以后,我决定改行。 

 

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体?

手术刀 

 

--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色?


蓝色的 

 


 

 

--- What is your most painful memory?

 

 

One day ten years ago, I received a letter from

my husband’s lover, she told me she was

pregnant with my husband’s child.

She begged me to divorce my husband for the

sake of her unborn child.

 

I just got pregnant at that time, and in anger

I went to the hospital and got an abortion alone.

 

My husband was in absolute denial,

but we were divorced anyway.

 

Our trust was completely destroyed.

Even till today I still don’t know whether

the letter was true or not,

but that is not important anymore.

 

I have been single ever since,

it’s been ten years,

but I still think I can not move on from this pain.

 

--- If that memory could be transformed

into an object ,what would it be ?

 

Typewriter,the letter was typed out by a

typewritter.

 

--- what color would you use to describe this

memory?

 

It is dark grey,almost with a kind of green

and yellow.

     


 

 

 

--- 你所经历的最痛的记忆是什么?

 

十年前的一天,我收到一封信,信来自我丈夫的情人,

她告诉我她怀着我丈夫的孩子,她以未出生的孩子的名义请求

我和我的丈夫离婚,我那时刚刚怀上孩子,

一怒之下独自去医院做了流产,我丈夫坚决否认,

但是我们还是离婚了,我们之间的信任被完全破坏了,

那封信究竟是真是假我至今不得而知,但那已经不重要了。

 

我这些年一直单身,

十年了,我还觉得这是我渡不过的痛。

 

 

--- 如果把这段记忆还原成一个物体的话,会是什么物体? 

 

打字机,那封信是打字机打出来的。

 

 

--- 如果选择一个颜色来描述这段记忆,会是什么颜色? 

暗的发绿发黄的灰色

     

 


DE SARTHE HONG KONG 
LIN JINGJING
Solo Exhibition 
Take Off
脱轨
林菁菁个展
香港德萨画廊
Sep.16 - Oct. 2, 2017

 

Lin Jingjing "Take Off" Solo Show

De Sarthe Gallery

20/F, Global Trade Square, No. 21 Wong Chuk Hang Road, 
Hong Kong

Opening hours : Tuesday – Saturday, 11 am – 7pm

 

 

DE SARTHE BEIJING 
LIN JINGJING
Solo Exhibition 
Tomorrow Was Wonderful
明天曾经无限美好
林菁菁个展
北京德萨画廊
JUNE 13 - August 2, 2015
DE SARTHE Hong Kong 
LIN JINGJING
Solo Exhibition 
Promise Again For the First Time
完美的诺言
林菁菁个展
香港德萨画廊
April 5 - May 3, 2014

Lin Jing jing 's New Catalogue   "The Method of Paradox" is available


林菁菁新画册《 悖论的方式》开始发售

"My Promise for Your Happiness" on the cover of 

TransnaTional Dialogues Journal 2014